A Modern Detective in London
by smnkennedy
Summary: Sherlock Holmes and co. go shopping during Christmas. Molly and Tom are together, as are Mary and John. Takes place after episode 1 of the third season of "Sherlock".


INT: 221B.

SHERLOCK stands in front of the mirror (on the wall).

SHERLOCK

Okay. You can do this. You're Sherlock Holmes. Survivor of death. Ender of empires. Bringer of…um…

MYCROFT (V.0).

Terrible attempts at self-motivation?

SHERLOCK turns around to see MYCROFT standing in the open doorway. Looking like a cocky little shit, as ever.

SHERLOCK

What are you doing here? Besides annoying me.

MYCROFT

As if you didn't already know.

SHERLOCK

I know you love torturing my delicate senses with your obtrusive _self_. What other reason can there be? Not like anything's _happening…_

MYCROFT

Death has made you delusional.

SHERLOCK

Judging by your suit, not as much as you. Tell me, brother mine, how many slices of cake did you have two nights ago?

He looks MYCROFT over, briefly.

SHERLOCK

Oh, that is just unfortunate.

Annoyed, MYCROFT replies:

MYCROFT

Why must you always make these meetings so difficult?

SHERLOCK

You are so easily startled, Mycroft. I'd up the security surrounding your flat.

MYCROFT

Enough of this. Are you coming, or not?

SHERLOCK says nothing.

MYCROFT

After all, the…_goldfish_, are waiting for you.

SHERLOCK

Fine, fine. Yes. I'll be out. Just leave, so that I can think in peace.

MYCROFT

Sherlock, with your mind, can you _ever_ think in peace?

SHERLOCK

No.

MYCROFT smiles.

SHERLOCK

But your insipid questions and bloated ego cloud my own. Now get out. Tell them I'll be down shortly. Make up something ridiculous. They love that.

MYCROFT

Will do, brother dear.

He leaves. SHERLOCK is, once again, alone. He breathes heavily, a long sigh.

SHERLOCK

Right. I can do this. I'm Sherlock Holmes.

Pause.

SHERLOCK

I'm Sherlock Holmes.

He goes down the stairs, closing the door behind him. He moves, then, on second thought; leaves the door slightly ajar.

SHERLOCK (softly)

Deduce _that_.

He continues walking. He reaches the front door, steps outside. A group of FANGIRLS stand up suddenly. They've been waiting for him.

FANGIRL ONE (PENNY)

Mr. Holmes!

She approaches him rapidly. SHERLOCK spares her and her friends one look, then returns his gaze to the street.

PENNY

Mr. Holmes.

SHERLOCK finally looks at her. She's utterly in love.

PENNY

(in all seriousness)

I love you.

SHERLOCK

As do I.

He leans down and kisses her. Her friends shriek. Quickly, he backs up. Makes a disgruntled face, as if he's tasted something bitter.

SHERLOCK

_Aaaaaand _no.

He moves his hand upwards as a goodbye.

SHERLOCK

Goodbye.

He briskly leaves. None of the FANGIRLS follow him.

PENNY

What just happened?

Back to SHERLOCK.

A black towncar pulls up. SHERLOCK steps in.

INT: Black towncar—Backseat.

JOHN, MARY, MOLLY, and TOM are in the car. The DRIVER is unknown.

SHERLOCK sits. The car moves forward.

JOHN

What took you so long?

MARY

There's a thing called politeness. We've been circling for an hour.

TOM

(quietly)

We got candy.

TOM hands a box of sweets to SHERLOCK. They're SUPER-FIZZY FUN TARTS.

SHERLOCK looks at TOM.

TOM

I figured you wouldn't want something bland.

MOLLY

Say thank you.

SHERLOCK

Thank you.

The next phase in conversation commences:

JOHN

Second point.

MARY

(finishing JOHN's thought)

Are you dating now? John said the last time you even came close was with Ire—

SHERLOCK stops her mid-word.

SHERLOCK

Just an experiment.

MARY makes a face. She is radiating manic glee.

MARY

Perfect. I love it.

SHERLOCK

(to JOHN)

She's not thinking of the thing I'm thinking of, is she?

JOHN

Not in the slightest.

SHERLOCK

(as way of explanation)

I was testing a theory.

MARY

Mmm-hmm.

SHERLOCK

Those…_people_—

It's almost a struggle for him to call them that.

SHERLOCK

(cont.)

-have been _stalking _me. Outside Baker Street, always snapping photographs and wearing those silly little hats…

JOHN

Oh, the price of fame.

SHERLOCK acquiesces.

SHERLOCK

I'll admit that hat's grown on me.

MOLLY

But.

SHERLOCK

But I need those people gone.

JOHN is incredibly pleased in SHERLOCK's newfound misery.

JOHN

I thought you liked attention.

SHERLOCK

I do! But not when I'm—

He glances around the car, realizing that this may not be the place (or people) to confess to.

He finishes his explanation quietly:

SHERLOCK

Not wanting to be seen.

There's a lull in conversation.

MARY

So, it's awfully nice of your brother to offer his towncar to us. Driver and everything. All free!

SHERLOCK

Please.

He pops a candy into his mouth. Grimices at the taste. Has another one.

SHERLOCK

The nicest thing Mycroft has ever done is spare the life of his only pet, Murphy.

JOHN

I didn't know that.

MARY

What was it?

SHERLOCK

A co-worker of his.

SHERLOCK pauses (somewhat solemn) to let this sink in.

SHERLOCK

(cont.)

No, Mycroft never does anyone anything without _some_ ulterior motive…

The DRIVER, having been listening to the conversation, interjects:

DRIVER

You told 'em where we're going?

TOM's face flashes with panic. With all the talk of deductions and plotting, he's realized he may be in the car of a maniac.

TOM says his next line quietly, yet the audience can hear him:

TOM

(quietly)

Ohmygod I don't even know.

MOLLY and MARY grin. SHERLOCK and TOM exchange slightly nervous looks. A bond has been formed. Maybe TOM isn't horrible and an immediate threat. Maybe.

MARY

Well, as you all know, John and I are going to be married.

JOHN

Sometime around May.

SHERLOCK

(in sing-song voice)

Delays…

JOHN

Don't make me stop this car.

MARY ignores the five-year-olds' argument:

MARY

So, to celebrate, Molly and I planned a trip.

SHERLOCK

I warn you, if it's Serbia, I may not be able to come. In fact, it would be wise if none of you went to Serbia. I've touched you; they might recognize my DNA.

His face turns to consideration of this possibility; half-horrified and half

MARY has been listening, fascinated. She says:

MARY

You should write a novel. About all your adventures.

JOHN makes an apprehensive face.

JOHN

Ah, careful. Sherlock doesn't like the 'A' word, in reference to his cases.

SHERLOCK

They're _purely logical_. And, I don't need to write a novel. I'll let _John _write it for me.

He smiles gleefully.

JOHN

Y'know, maybe we could drop Sherlock off in Serbia.

The DRIVER, having been witness to SHERLOCK's tantrums for many years, is all too eager to say:

DRIVER

That could be arranged.

SHERLOCK claps his hands together. Clearly wanting to divert the subject.

SHERLOCK

So! Where are we of to? To where are we off…

MOLLY squirms excitedly in her seat.

MOLLY

(with glee)

The mall!

Silence ensues in the car. Eventually:

SHERLOCK

Pull over, please.

MARY

(horrified)

Sherlock!

SHERLOCK, using what little social sense he has; realizes that MARY is wanting an explanation.

SHERLOCK

Unless they are _synthetic humans_, artificial creations bore me.

MOLLY

(explaining to TOM)

He hates being bored.

BACK TO John, who is somewhat frustrated, yet more amused, as if he's dealing with a child.

JOHN

We'll bring you a colouring book.

MARY reinforces:

MARY

We are _all _going.

SHERLOCK

(under his breath, angrily)

I hate family trips.

JOHN

(hearing him)

And we all hate you. So it's fair.

Another pause.

TOM breaks this silence by saying:

TOM

Wait, maybe we should let him leave.

SHERLOCK

Finally, a modicum of intelligence in this car.

MARY

Tom, why?

TOM

Well, it's Christmas.

SHERLOCK

(to himself)

Ugh. Why did I even leave the flat?

JOHN

And?

TOM

Well, it's a mall. They'll be lots of kids about. All to visit Santa.

MARY

Oh my god.

JOHN

Shit.

MOLLY

What?

Pause for dramatic effect. Big lead up to:

JOHN

Sherlock is going to steal Christmas.

CUE TITLE CREDITS!

INT: BLACK TOWNCAR.

SHERLOCK

Objection!

TOM

I'm just saying…

SHERLOCK

(snarling slightly)

Shut up, Tom.

MARY

(amused)

No, no. (slight pause)

Let him speak.

TOM

I mean, maybe we should drop him off.

SHERLOCK

On second thought…

TOM

(cont.)

To prevent the traumatization of children.

SHERLOCK

What _trauma?_ I figured that blatant _lie _was false when I was _five_.

DRIVER

(interjecting)

That's a lie, too. _Mycroft_ told him.

Everyone but SHERLOCK is very pleased with this.

SHERLOCK

(to DRIVER)

I'll have you executed.

The DRIVER is an experienced fighter, though. He's actually one of the best-trained agents MYCROFT has. Since he's carrying an important figure (read: fatty), he has to be prepared for the worst, at any time.

SHERLOCK knows this, of course. (It's the knuckles.)

DRIVER

(to SHERLOCK)

You can try.

SHERLOCK looks miffed.

Slight pause. Then:

TOM

I like this. This is fun.

SHERLOCK

(muttering)

Why did I even leave the flat?

MUSIC plays out, as we watch the TOWNCAR leave towards…

EXT: THE FABULOUS MALL OF CAPITALISM.

TOM was right—kids are everywhere. Many are lined up to see SANTA. Adults are buzzing by, shopping bags in tow. It's the typical worship that the Gods of Capitalism strive for.

Focus in on the GROUP. They're standing out of the way, deciding where to go.

FOCUS on SHERLOCK. There's lots of sensory information, and we see some of his deductions of random passerby. Things like:

_Recently gave birth;_

_fan of comics, in particular: Frank Miller;_

_late to meeting—industrial glue;_

_toenail infected_

_shoplifter, three magnets._

MOLLY notices that SHERLOCK is distracted. She elbows him, gently, to bring him back to the present. (Ha!)

Now attentive (although slightly upset about this, deducing was amusing him), he blinks in thanks.

MOLLY nods, quickly, in response. They return to the conversation…

MARY

Well, I know where John and I are going.

MOLLY

Where?

MARY

Jewelry shop.

SHERLOCK looks visibly pained.

SHERLOCK (V.O.)

_Please _let there be a robbery, _please _let there be a robbery…

Back to the conversation (group shot):

JOHN

Molly, where do you want to go?

MOLLY hugs TOM's side.

MOLLY

We were thinking of buying presents.

MARY

That sounds fun.

QUICK CUT: Back to SHERLOCK:

SHERLOCK (V.O.)

All I ask: one murder. A tiny murder. A suicide.

FLASHBACK: SHERLOCK'S FALL.

He remembers himself falling; hitting the ground. JOHN's voice, as he cried.

CUT: BACK TO THE MALL.

SHERLOCK (V.O.)

_Something_.

Back to the conversation.

JOHN

Why don't you take Scrooge-here with you?

He's referring to SHERLOCK.

QUICK CUT: FOREST—NIGHT.

A man is walking on a deserted road, in the middle of a forest.

A car approaches, headlights flashing, wildly; as:

SHERLOCK (V.O.)

Run over by a reindeer, even.

As the MAN turns his head, we see, just briefly, is it-?

CUT: BACK TO THE MALL.

FLASH to SHERLOCK. He seems very small—as small as someone like Sherlock can be.

The conversation continues…

MOLLY

Okay. He can help us pick.

(she pauses)

Y'know, that's actually not a terrible idea.

SHEROCK

(confused)

What?

He quickly evaluates the situation. Realization dawns.

SHERLOCK

No, I hate shopping for presents.

(he pauses, thinking, considering)

No, I think I'll just wait here for some child to have a nervous breakdown…

MOLLY

(pleasantly annoyed)

Come on.

She drags him off. MARY and JOHN go to the map to locate the jewelry stores.

INT: JEWELRY STORE.

CLOSE-UP of MARY's face.

MARY

Shiny.

CUT back to reveal the entirety of the shop. It's mini-Erebor.

MARY

So much shiny.

JOHN moves over, next to MARY's shoulder. He's happy.

JOHN

Having fun?

MARY

(not registering)

Shiny.

JOHN

Right.

He moves, browsing. Looking at all the shiny. In all honesty, he doesn't see the point. But he's willing to endure being tossed into a bonfire and having Semtex strapped to his body—he can handle ring-shopping.

MARY comes over, taps him on the shoulder. She has a slight, manic glee in her eyes.

She points to one spot in particular.

MARY

(direct)

Shiny.

JOHN nods. They move over to the ring MARY has specified. Seeing an upcoming sale, a CLERK moves into position.

They reach the counter; flat, elegant, polished.

CLERK

Which do you have your eye on?

MARY

(pointing) That one, there.

CLERK

You've a fine eye.

MARY smiles pleasantly. She flicks her eyes, briefly, to JOHN. Returns her gaze to the CLERK.

MARY

I know.

CUT: MALL—BOOKSTORE.

MOLLY and TOM are looking at the SCIENCE-FICTION SHELF.

CUT to SHERLOCK, already with five books in hand.

BACK TO MOLLY. She glances over at him. TOM follows her gaze.

TOM

(somewhat troubled)

We've been here three minutes…

MOLLY smiles happily.

MOLLY

Yeah.

TOM smiles, knowing they have a history.

TOM

Will you ever tell me?

MOLLY

About what?

TOM does a quick nod to SHERLOCK (who is examining a book in the ANIMALS rack).

TOM

You and him.

MOLLY grins.

MOLLY

Maybe.

SHERLOCK comes over. His pile has grown. It is Mount Bookstack. It has a life of its own. How is Sherlock even carrying it, at this point?

MOLLY and TOM regard the Stack with abject (somewhat mock) horror.

MOLLY

Oh, my God.

TOM

(softly)

God cannot help us now.

SHERLOCK is very happy. He brings his Pile over to the front desk. The CLERK, unflappable (maybe she knows him?), says:

CLERK

You want a bag for that?

She pulls out a Christmas tote.

CLERK

For every five books you buy, you get a free tote.

CUT: EXT: THE MALL, BOOKSTORE IN PERIPHERY.

MOLLY, SHERLOCK, AND TOM are walking out from the bookstore. SHERLOCK has five totes, three of which are filled with books. He looks ridiculously pleased with himself.

MOLLY pulls a book out of one of the bags, titled: "The History of Anglo-Saxon Derivatives". Its bulk alone could choke a horse.

MOLLY

(referring to the book)

A light read?

SHERLOCK

(without looking at her)

It's important for my work.

TOM has picked up another book: "The Bearenstein Bears' Christmas."

TOM

I'm to assume this is equally relevant?

SHERLOCK snatches the book from TOM's hands, making an unpleasant face.

SHERLOCK

The _most _important.

CUT: FLASHBACK: SHERLOCK'S WINTER HOME.

ESTABLISHING SHOT: RURAL COTTAGE, SNOWY: NIGHT.

INT: COTTAGE: NIGHT.

It is Christmas. The tree is out. Snow trickles gently from the sky, through frost-paned windows. SHERLOCK'S PARENTS are sitting side-by-side on the couch. SHERLOCK sits on the floor. His face and demeanor are much more relaxed and vocal than his current self. He still retains his boundless energy, though. It is currently focused into misery: REDBEARD had died the previous week. SHERLOCK hasn't been taking it well. He is 17, MYCROFT is 25.

SHERLOCK is fixated on a spot under the tree. There might as well be a raincloud over his head.

Their DAD taps SHERLOCK on the shoulder. SHERLOCK turns. His DAD looks at him with content yet shielded, sharp, bright, and devastated eyes. We get the same sense of despair from the mother: and not just because REDBEARD died.

DAD reaches behind him, and pulls out a children's book with a ribbon on it. "The Bearenstein Bears' Christmas."

SHERLOCK eyes it skeptically, saying all he needs to. DAD gives him a LOOK.

DAD

We thought it might help.

SHERLOCK glances at it again, regarding it like an old enemy. Eventually, he takes it with small, cautious fingers. His grip on it tightens, and he holds it in his lap with both hands. He says nothing.

The fire in the hearth crackles. SHERLOCK'S PARENTS are torn between the tremendous awkwardness and pain of the situation, and their love and respect for their son. They both want to shout their love for him from the heavens, yet realize that in doing so, they will turn him away. So, they sit in silence, trying to make it comfortable.

DAD flicks on the TV. "The Simpsons" comes on. It's the theme song. BART is writing something on the board. The barest hint of current-Sherlock's smirk comes onto SHERLOCK's face. His parents notice this, but do not react; yet SHERLOCK knows they know.

SHERLOCK

I want you to call me by my middle name.

DAD

Scott?

SHERLOCK

Sherlock.

DAD

While I respect your descisions, you should know that we gave you that name as part of a prank with our friends. We lost.

SHERLOCK

Call me 'Sherlock Holmes' from this moment onward or I will poison the water main again.

SHERLOCK'S MOM rolls her eyes slightly.

MOM

(quoting softly)

'_Again_'.

CUT: MALL: PRESENT.

It's the exact moment we left on. For a moment, SHERLOCK looks troubled. MOLLY catches this, and glances away, just slightly; then returns her gaze. After this, it's clear she's thinking about something unpleasant, yet wants to appear as if she is not.

SHERLOCK

The most important.


End file.
